I have decided to embrace my autism on Autism Pride Day this year. It is not that it's hidden or that I have kept it a secret but more that I have felt too ashamed or not been able to properly own it. I haven't been able to advocate for myself or explain in a way that others find helpful. I am compartmentalized. One piece here, another there. I hide my difficulties in an attempt to feel that I belong and to not feel different. My life's been filled by people pointing out all the mistakes I have made, that I feel I can't make any. "You can't say that! You shouldn't do that. Why are you doing that?" Were all frequent remarks when I was younger.
I've not been proud that I have an autistic spectrum condition, in fact I have been ashamed, but they don't do 'I'm not ashamed anymore' day. I was asked, on the day I received my diagnosis, "if you could change it would you?" My answer was, "yes, in a heartbeat." This condition, that causes me so much pain, that is the root of my difficulties, and keeps me from getting close to others, can go for all I care. My husband disagreed saying, "it makes you, you" He is right. It gives me much of my personality, perspective and abilities. It is my humour and my imagination and why I feel so unique.
I respect people who find this condition too awful to celebrate and those who are strong enough to say that they are proud of what they have and who they are. I would like to be proud too of me and of how I have coped. For those who feel pride around autism, it is a pride in you or your loved ones. It is a pride in your uniqueness. That you have done nothing wrong. That you have met and overcome massive obstacles. For me it's a, "I refuse to be ashamed anymore day!" I wish to celebrate the thing that is me, whatever 'me' is.
It is important to talk about this condition and all it's variations because often the difficulties come from society and ignorance. People are more aware than they ever have been about autism but there are so many assumptions and confusions. People seem to have been only half listening. The more we can share who we are and celebrate our wonderful contributions to society, the more we can talk about what is hard, and just how plain awful our condition can be, the more support, understanding and compassion our communities can give.
I have always felt broken and sad. I compare myself to others and I feel less than. When I stand alone I feel proud. I like me. I know I am kind, creative and funny. I know I am trying my very best and that is why I am proud.