"Don't be so sensitive", they say, "why do you take things so personally?"
I am sensitive. I thought I would grow out of it or learn to get a thicker skin. In fact, I never have. I feel like I walk around with no skin at all. Just nerves close to the surface. You can't get a thicker skin if your skin doesn't exist.
When people say things to me that are hurtful I can't just brush it off. It sticks to me like a barb. Even jokes, if they are at my expense then I don't see the funny side. I just feel mocked. I hate it even more if I have done something stupid.
People tell me the fault is with me. "Get over it, so I said a nasty thing, it's how you react to it." Mean words, a room going silent, even a look, can pierce me like an icy dagger.
I pick up on the atmosphere of a room. If someone is being negative it brings me down. I don't like gossip that is personal. All I can think of when someone is being nasty about someone else to me is "what do they say about me behind my back?" I know gossip and 'common enemies' bond people but I just feel mean. Even when the target isn't me.
Kind words and kind deeds are reassuring and bonding for me. I get enough harsh words from my own self-talk. Negativity hooks into those thoughts. "I'm no good." "I'm differently." "They never liked me." When people have moved on and don't even remember the comment, it still stings, sometimes weeks or even years later. I don't have the flexibility to bounce back.
I am sensitive to words and emotions. I am sensitive to touch, sound, and lights. Many people over the years have found it hilarious to make me jump. They know how jumpy I am and it makes them laugh. They sneak up behind me. Jump out of places. Once they even lowered a toy spider on me. Some people love a reaction.
Now I know my sensory processing makes me sensitive to external stimuli and my emotional regulation makes me sensitive to internal stimuli. It isn't a choice to be sensitive or even my personality. It is my condition, ASD, and therefore how and who I am.
I am sensitive. I am always going to take things personally. Perhaps kindness and understanding is best for us all.